Happy Birthday Dad

Today you would have been 79. I've thought about you all day. Each moment at work that I wasn't busy in a project, my thoughts drifted back to you. I wonder if you know today is your birthday. I wonder if you're celebrating. I miss you so much.

Coming back from lunch a song came on the radio that reminded me of you. "You Lift Me Up" by Josh Groban. It made me cry just listening to the words. You have always lifted me up and empowered me to do anything I put my mind to. You were always there to comfort me when I failed and you encouraged me to get up and dust myself off and try again. The unconditional love you have shown me and each of your kids has been immeasurable.

There are so many memories in my thoughts today. The many times you had to yank me up by my ankles when I would put coins, olive pits, ice cubes or other things in my mouth and start to choke. You comforting me when I had to get stiches in my forehead. Running to my aide when I fell off the monkey bars and broke my arm. Drinking chocolate milk and eating pickles while we watched westerns on t.v. Driving me to a boy's house in the neighborhood that I had called "gay" and forcing me to apologize. Teaching me to drive. Escorting me on Homecoming Court. Walking me down the aisle. Officiating my wedding...both times! Then all the things you have meant to me as a grandfather to my son. The Biblical truths that you instilled in him from a very young age. Picking him up from school and offering him a King-size Butterfinger that you had hidden under the seat (away from the watchful eye of Nana!). Playing football with him in the yard and diving for a catch and crashing into the porch and breaking the railing. Dressing up as Santa Claus each year and surprising him with gifts...until the year he said, "hey, Santa has the same wedding ring as Papa!" Going to all of his baseball games and yelling "let's go Zacky!" Also, all the fun trips we took to the beach and to Disney...remember "KFC all the way!" We still laugh about that.

Dad, then I'm sad that you never saw Zack conduct the band. That you won't be there at his graduation, you be around to see him get married or have children. I know you would be a wonderful great-grandfather. Zack loved you so much, Dad. He used to love to make fun of you and immitate your sneezes! I think at some point we will do that again and laugh, but right now it hurts too much to be reminded that you're not with us anymore.

I'm calling mom each day and checking on her. We went back to visit this past weekend and it was so hard. We couldn't believe that it had only been a little over a week since you went to heaven. We both feel like it's been a lifetime. Everything at the house reminds us that you're not there. I walk by your room and expect to see you lying in bed sleeping. I always would stop and look at you for a few minutes to make sure your chest would rise and fall. I wish I would have sat by your bed a few minutes longer that night I was feeding you cereal. I know I told you I would miss you when you were gone, but I'm not sure you really understood. I don't even think I understood how much I would miss you and how bad this would hurt. I know you're in heaven, and you're happy and healthy, but I miss you Dad. There is a deep sadness that cuts to my very soul that I can't seem to shake. Terri found a poem called "The Broken Chain" that puts it so well...she gave it to Mom last night for your birthday. Here's how it goes...

The Broken Chain

We little knew that morning that God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone;
for part of us went with you, the day God called you home.
You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide;
and though we cannot see you, you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems the same;
but as God calls us one by one, the Chain will link again.

Mom just cried and cried when she called me and read it to me. I did the same. I haven't slept through the night since you've been gone. I keep feeling like this has all been a bad dream that I will awaken from soon. I'm trying not to be so selfish, for I know heaven is what you've longed for. Just pray for me Dad, dry my tears and wrap your loving arms around me when I'm sad and missing you so much it hurts.

Tonight we're going to your favorite place, the Olive Garden, in honor of your birthday. I guess I should say in memory of your birthday. I'm posting this picture of you that I've looked at so much today...it was on your last birthday. Mom had made you breakfast and set a nice table out on the patio. I wish we could have that day back again.

Happy Birthday Dad...I love you.

Lean On Me...

This past weekend we went to Atlanta again to spend the weekend with Mom. It was very difficult. It was so hard to believe that just one week ago we were having the funeral and burial for Dad. Each day the tears continue to flow and my mind is having a difficult time processing the fact that he's gone. I pass by their room, and out of habit, look in expecting to see him in the bed. He's not there, but my mind quickly brushes away any thought of him being gone. It seems so final and I'm having a hard time accepting it. I do what I can to just function and get done each day what needs to be done. Please continue to pray for me and my family. Tomorrow is Dad's birthday. He would have been 79. I know it's going to be a hard day for all of us.

On the way home from Atlanta, a song came on the radio that I hadn't heard in a long time... it's called "Lean On Me" with Kirk Franklin and Crystal Lewis. As I listened to the song, tears began to stream down my cheeks. I've been so overwhelmed by the cards, emails, text messages and phone calls I've received from friends. I can't even begin to express how much each one means to me, but this song touched my heart because of the love my friends have shown me.

Here are some of the words...

There's a man

Standing on the corner

He has no home

He has no food

And his blue skies are gone

Can't you hear him cryin' out

And there's a girl

Searching for a father and a friend

Praying that the storm someday will end

But instead of walking away

Open up your heart and say

I am here

You don't have to worry

I can see your tears

I'll be there in a hurry when you call

Friends are there to catch you when you fall

Here's my shoulder you can lean on me

Thank you, my friends, for your continuous love and support. Thank you for being there and for listening to me cry a million times over. I love you and am so blessed to call you friends!

Some favorite photos...

The arms of safety and protection and the eyes of unconditional love...

This is the last family photo we had with Dad...Summer of 2005

This is my Dad in January of 1959, he was 31 years old...move over Elvis and make room for the Italian Stallion!

This is a portrait of my Dad that we used in the memorial video

This is one of my favorite pictures of him. He wrote on the back of it "December 1993. 66 years of age...I can see that I look it also" To me he looks so young here. He would shine when he preached...totally in his element. Notice the college ring on his right hand. I remember when I was a little girl, I would always ask him to take it off so I could "play" with it and I would put it on my pointer finger and pretend it fit.

Me and Dad in January of this year, 2006. Now I look back and see how quickly he declined.

One of my all time favorite photos. Mom, me and Dad at my wedding in May of 2000.

Each day continues to be a struggle. My head knows he's in heaven, free from pain and worshipping the One he served his entire life, but my heart feels a void and heaviness that I can't seem to shake. Thank you, friends, for your cards, your calls and your expressions of love and sympathy. They are all heartfelt and appreciated more than you know.

This very moment...

Just think of stepping on shore, and finding it heaven,

of touching a hand, and finding it God's,

of breathing new air and finding it celestial,

of waking up in glory, and finding it home.

One week ago at this very moment I received a phone call from my mom saying my Dad had just died. The entire way to Georgia the chorus to the song "Finally Home" kept running through my mind. It was sung at Dad's funeral.

This past week has felt like the longest week of my life. Then I imagine Dad in heaven, timeless, with no night. I hope he knows how much I miss him.

Rejoice?

I'm sorry that I'm not there yet. I heard the word "rejoice" used so much this past week. I don't think I can stand it anymore. I apologize in advance for the raw and brutal honesty that I cannot contain. I know people mean well and I certainly don't hold it against any of them. Sometimes, if you don't know what to say, it's better to say nothing, or a simple "I'm sorry".

I heard so many people say "rejoice that your father is in heaven with the Lord"... "rejoice that he no longer is in pain and is with his Savior"......rejoice. Do you know what that word means? Webster's describes it this way...

To be glad
To give joy
To feel joy or great delight

Rejoice, you say. My heart could not be further from a joyful feeling. My heart aches and is filled with an emptiness that I have never experienced before. I know all the "preachy, church answers" and I don't want to hear them anymore. I know my Dad is in heaven with the Lord and I would not wish him back here to be in pain for anything. But I miss him. I miss the times that we had together, the fun family vacations, the silly things he did, I miss his voice, I miss his soft hands, I miss looking into his eyes. I miss the times that I could have had with him in the future. I'm already missing the last Christmas that I thought we were going to share together this year. My thoughts are consumed with missing my Dad.

I'm angry that I wasn't there when he died. The Lord knew I wanted to be there and yet He chose to take him quickly. I don't know why...I know God has a reason...but I can't imagine it. People say it gets easier with time. Right now, all I know is that it hurts, and it hurts worse than I ever could have imagined it would.

Like mom said last night, "God's grace is sufficient, but it's certainly not an anesthetic."

Better Get a Bigger Bottle...

What a rough week. I don't really know what to say. I'm not sure why I even have the urge to write. Mom suggested I keep a journal, maybe this will be my version of journaling. I don't write for those who may read it, I write to ease the heaviness in my heart.

A couple of weeks ago, we had the privilege of all getting together on the same weekend to spend time with my Dad. This included my brother from Oklahoma, me, and my sister and brother that live in Georgia. It was a sweet time with Dad. It also was a time for Mom to discuss important things for the "future". Who knew the "future" would be so soon. I remember sitting in the living room with tears streaming down my cheeks as she discussed things she had already taken care of regarding funeral arrangements. Hospice and the social workers all told her it was best to get as much done ahead of time as possible. I remember telling her that I did not want an open casket. I did not want to see Dad like that.

This past week I couldn't see him enough. After seeing him on Tuesday morning at the funeral home, each day I longed to just look in his face one more time. I would dream of his smile. I could still hear his voice in my head. Friday was the visitation. We were able to go as a family at 1:00 p.m. before the official visitation started at 2:00 p.m. I couldn't believe how different Dad looked from the morning I saw him. His hair was combed, his color was back (make up) and he was in a suit. A suit that swallowed him whole. He lost so much weight towards the end.

My mom had given my sister two lapel pins to put on Dad's suit. He already had two on there, but she found two others that she wanted to swap out. One said "Warrior for Christ" and the other said "Done" with a small cross symbol. We stood over his casket as my sister, thru a waterfall of tears, changed his lapel pins. We all were crying. Our tears were falling like raindrops on Dad's suit. I couldn't stop touching him. I stroked his hair, I stroked his face, I touched his hands. I still kept looking at his eyes expecting him to open them at any moment.

Then an endless line of visitors. So many coming to show their support. Thank you, my dear friends, that came just to say "I'm sorry" and "I'm here for you." The day was long and tiring. We had two visitations (2-4 and 6-8). I remember leaving at 4:15 and closing the door behind us and not wanting to leave Dad in there all alone. About 8:30 p.m. we had the last of visitors and were able to spend another few moments alone with Dad. Again, I didn't want to leave him. I kept rubbing his cheeks and didn't find myself so affected by the coldness anymore.

Saturday was the funeral. So moving, so many people touched by Dad's life. The music was beautiful. Both my brothers spoke. My little brother, Rodney, did an incredible job honoring Dad. I was especially proud of him. Don't you ever wonder how tear ducts don't run out? I have cried so much this past week, and this weekend---I didn't know one could cry so much.

The ladies at the church prepared a meal for our family and extended family and friends. I remember filling my plate, but only eating a few bites. My eyelids felt so heavy and I didn't have an appetite. My headache was getting worse and I felt a migraine coming on. About 2:00 p.m. we got on the road to go to Luthersville for the burial. We made it as far as Peachtree City when the caravan had to pull over for me to run into a gas station restroom and throw up (sorry for the details). I kept getting sick and this delayed us for a few minutes. Then we were on the road again. When we arrived, they already had the casket in place. The temperature was dropping and the wind was getting colder. We all gathered under the tents and the pastor said a few words and then prayed. None of us wanted to leave. So, we found a spot in the sun and watched as they lowered Dad and the gravediggers began to cover him. Gary kept saying "are you sure you want to stay for this?"...and I did. I remember feeling like I didn't want to miss any of it. I wanted to see and feel every bit of it until the very end and etch every detail into my mind. It felt so final. Again, I had to grab a trash bag from the car and get sick. The minutes seemed like hours and finally they had all the flowers on top of the grave. We took some roses from the arrangements, said our final goodbyes and left. Each of us silent as we drove away. I fell asleep for about 20 minutes, trying to ease my migraine and both emotionally and physically exhausted. When I woke up, it was time for an immediate stop at a gas station bathroom again.

We finally made it home almost close to 6:30 p.m. I took some medicine and went to bed while the rest of the family went out to dinner. They returned a little after 9:00 p.m. and I had gotten some good rest. Gary picked me up a Chick-fil-A nugget meal. I thought I was hungry, but was only able to eat 4 nuggets before it came back up again. I decided to just go back to bed.

This morning I awoke with no headache, but with such an emptiness in my heart. I decided to get busy and do some things around the house while Mom was at church with some of our relatives. I was not ready to go back to the place where we just had Dad's funeral. This afternoon, the funeral home directors came by with a van load full of flowers and plants. It was unbelievable how many there were---they filled the living room, the dining room, the foyer, the den and we had some in the kitchen and in Mom's room. She said tomorrow she and her friend Gail, were going to go deliver some of the arrangements to the hospice and maybe the rehab center too.

It was so hard leaving tonight. I didn't want to leave my Mom. It hurt me to think of her all alone in the house for the first time since Dad's passing. I wanted to stay with her. I didn't want to think of her experiencing pain and loneliness. I know she has to experience it at some point. I know, even if I stayed, there would come a day when I would have to go home and she would have to experience it then. But I wanted to protect her from that pain. It's like the first time you let go of your child's bike with no training wheels. I want to run behind her and keep holding on so she won't fall.

After a long, tearful ride home of reliving the entire week, I called Mom to check on her and possibly offer her some encouragement. She did the encouraging---I did the crying. She shared with me a verse from Psalms where God collects our tears in a bottle. I love the way the Message (version) puts it...

"You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book."
Psalm 56:8

Mom, He's going to have to get a bigger bottle.

The Longest Day

I’ve never lived 24 hours that seemed longer than the past 24 hours have felt. I don’t even know why I’m writing, other than the fact that I feel so trapped and writing has been a great avenue to express my feelings. As I write this, Gary is practicing the cello and my mom is accompanying him on the piano, playing the music that will be played at the funeral. The cello has always been one of my favorite instruments, so deep and soulful and mellow. Right now it just makes me want to scream. On the outside, I may appear quiet and calm, but on the inside, my heart is overwhelmed with sadness. I want to cry out to everyone around me…”Don’t you know what just happened? I just lost my dad. How can you continue to go about your every day business?” My mind still can’t wrap around the fact that my Dad is gone. I feel too young to have lost one of my parents.

The past 24 hours seem like time has stood still. When the phone rang about 10:35 p.m. (Central time) on Monday evening and my mom’s words cried out “Trace, Dad has just died”….I couldn’t believe it. She quickly got off the phone to continue on down her list of phone calls to make. I have never felt such heartache. As I hung up the phone, I screamed and cried no, that it was too soon, they said just a week ago that his vitals looked good, his organs appeared strong, no! How could this happen? I wasn’t there…I’m not ready to let him go. I quickly started throwing things into a suitcase, woke up Zack, and in under an hour the three of us were out the door on our way to Atlanta. My sister and younger brother got to Mom’s in just a matter of minutes and were able to spend some time with my Dad. In phone calls to my sister, I kept pleading for them to wait until I got there to take Dad away. Unfortunately, the funeral home came in about an hour and had to take them. She said they waited as long as they could. I just wanted to touch him, to hold his hand—I just couldn’t believe he was gone.

Monday night and early into the morning on Tuesday, we just sat and cried. None of us got much sleep. Tuesday morning we had to go to the funeral home and take care of some details. Terri had told the funeral home that I was the one that wasn’t able to get there in time to see him. They said they would see if they could get Dad “ready enough” for us to see. A little later they took us to a room where Dad was. Even though the stainless steel table and white sheets and blanket looked so hard and cold, Dad looked so peaceful. He appeared as though he were sleeping and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I kept thinking he was just going to open his eyes and wake up. I was afraid to touch him. I was afraid of what he would feel like. Terri stroked his hair and face and kept rubbing his cheek. I just cried and cried and told her I was afraid to touch him. She said “don’t be” and I brushed his cheek with my hand. I wanted to feel the familiar warmth and softness of his skin, but was met with coldness. I wanted to hold him, to just drape myself across his chest and cry for him to wrap his arms around me. It was a difficult time for all of us—we just didn’t want to leave him.

The sun has risen on another day—but for me time has stood still. I don’t feel like I’m experiencing this. It feels like it’s happening to someone else and I’m just an observer. What is this supposed to feel like? Am I to be rejoicing that my Dad is in the presence of Jesus and no longer in any pain? I know that’s what I should be doing, but I don’t feel like it. I’m sad and I want my Dad back. Every time I pass by their room, I look where his bed is and keep thinking I’m going to see him and every time it’s empty and that pang of loneliness overwhelms me. I feel numb to everything and everyone around me.

Don’t hum, don’t sing, don’t play the cello, don’t do errands, stop the continuous play-back of telling everyone on the phone that God has answered prayer by allowing Dad to have a peaceful death. I can’t listen to it anymore. He’s gone. My Dad is gone. Stop doing what you’re doing and acknowledge the emptiness and pain. This is not just another day—this is another day that I’m trying to cope with losing my Dad.

I go in and sit on his bed and look up to the ceiling and imagine the angels carrying him to heaven. I wanted to be there when it happened. I wanted to hold his hand and tell him how much I loved him as he took his last breath. But I wasn’t here. I keep trying to hold on to the last good days we had together, with him stroking my cheeks and wiping my tears as I told him how much I would miss him when he was gone. I have always loved the warmth of his chestnut brown eyes and the twinkle of mischief that was ever present. My dad had a heart bigger than anyone I’ve ever known. He was firm and strong, yet sensitive. Sensitive to people in need, sensitive to the feelings of those around him.

I still can’t come to grips with talking about him in the past tense. I’m sure with time, it will get easier. But should it? I look around me and see so many of his traits in each of us…the warmth of my nephew’s chestnut brown eyes; my niece, who has a heart of gold and would give you her last dime; the sense of humor and knowledge of the Bible that he instilled in Zack. This is your legacy, Dad. You’ve been the cornerstone of our family and your legacy will live on in your children, your grandchildren and one day, your great-grandchildren.

I love you and miss you so much it hurts.

C.W.I.

Ever been in one of those impulse kinda moods where you have to do something right now?! I'm discovering that the older I get, the more I'm doing impulse things, which totally goes against every fiber of my being. I am definitely an "A" type personality, plan well in advance, make lists of lists, and I think we've all deducted that I'm a control-freak perfectionist.

A week ago I finally had a day off and had dealt with bad hair days far too long! So, I got out of the shower and thought to myself "this is it! I'm going right now, wet head and all, to get my hair cut!" So I ventured into one of those walk-in places. My first clue should have been that I was the only one there. My second clue should have been that the lady (and I use that term loosely) was slurring her words. So, I show her the picture I've been carrying around forever of Lisa Rinna's long shag, and she says "sure! I can cut it!"

Okay, so I sit in her chair, lay the picture out on her countertop, and away she goes. As I see big chunks of hair falling to the ground, I notice that she keeps stopping and examining the picture and then starts cutting again. The more she talks, the more I can smell alcohol on her breath as she proceeds to tell me that she wasn't supposed to come in until 3:00 p.m. that afternoon and the morning person didn't show up, so the manager called her to come open...blah, blah, blah. At this point I realize that when the manager called her, it must have cut her partying short and here I sit...the victim of a Cutting While Intoxicated! Hello!? Where is the Beautician's patrol or board, or whomever they answer to, when you need them?! I proceed to tell her that I think it's fine, and that's good enough... anything to get Edwina Scissorhands to STOP cutting! She goes on to tell me that she has to "even up" this one side.

Finally, she's done and I'm free to pay my $14.95 and go! I get home and try to blow dry it and realize I have no hair! Gary's comment when he got home was "what on earth did you do?"... Zack came home from school and said, "Mom, what is wrong with you? First you color your hair red, now this?!"

Oh well...it's only hair and it will grow back, right? Only one thing I've got to say, "Move over Joan Jett! You ain't got nothing on me!

"Am I Dying?"

This past weekend, Zack and I were able to go to Atlanta for a brief visit. My brother and his son had flown in from Oklahoma on Friday and were staying (until today) with Mom and Dad. Saturday evening, we all were together for dinner and had a birthday celebration for my nephew. Then, Mom wanted all of us to go in and visit with Dad together and take pictures. My older brother read some scripture and began talking about what a legacy my Dad would be leaving behind. Needless to say, we all were in tears within just a few minutes. But, we were able to pull it together and take some pictures with Dad.

Later that evening, as some family had left and others were busy doing things in other parts of the house, I was able to go in and visit with Dad alone. He said he was hungry, so I fixed him a bowl of cereal and sat and fed it to him. He would occasionally smile the biggest grin and say things like, "pretty girl" and "sweetie heart". I couldn't contain the emotion. With tears streaming down my face, I told him that I loved him and was going to miss him when he was gone. He said, "Am I dying?" Not wanting to upset him, I told him that he was just getting older and I just wanted him to know that when he is gone, I would be missing him terribly. That seemed to satisfy him. He has coherent moments and some not-so-coherent moments. There are many times when his eyes are open, but he is just not there. Sunday morning and afternoon were rough. He kept talking about war things and was very restless and agitated that he was not able to keep an eye on 'his men'. He also was in alot of pain. It's sad to see him deteriorating so quickly.

As I drove home late Sunday, his words kept echoing in my head..."am I dying?" The more I thought about it, the more I realized that more than anyone I've ever known, my father has mirrored apostle Paul's mindset on living and dying. "For to me, to live, is Christ, but to die is gain". So Dad, in answer to your question, no, you're not dying, you're gaining eternal life more abundant than any of us can ever have here on earth.

God, the Author...

It seems that every time I get in the car, the song "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield is on the radio. Real upbeat tempo and catchy lyrics...I've come to really like the song. But the more I hear it and the more I sing the words, it really has made me stop and think.

Here are some of the lyrics...

I am unwritten,
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined.
I'm just beginning,
the pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned.

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find.
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin.

No one else can feel it for you,
Only you can let it in.
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins,
The rest is still unwritten...

We do wake up every day and make choices as to what we're going to do that day, words we are going to speak, whether uplifting or hurtful, attitudes we are going to have, etc. But I'm so thankful that The Author has already penned each of my days in the manuscript of my life. The pages are not blank. He knows the choices I am going to make, and although some may break His heart, He has shown His grace and mercy to me and can make good come out of the messes I create. He knows the hairs on my head and cares for me even more than He cares for the little sparrows. How great and wonderful is that?! The ending is not unplanned. For those of us that have trusted Christ as our Lord and Savior, we will live in eternity with Him.

So, as you start your day, find strength in the fact that your Father has already gone before you. If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Have to brag just a little bit more...

...we just got the score sheet from Saturday's competition and Zack scored the highest out of all Drum Majors for every band in every class! I am so proud of him! The Lord has blessed us with a fine, young man who is incredibly gifted musically. I pray the Lord will use it for His glory in Zack's life now and as he chooses a career path.

My Cup Runneth Over...

Yesterday we had an all-day band competition in Phenix City, AL. It's called the Phenix City Marching Invitational and bands come from all over the southeast to compete. Our band rated a "Superior" (highest you can score) and we won "Best in Class" for our Division. Zack was even awarded "Best in Class Drum Major"!!! Gary and I were so proud of him that we couldn't fight back the tears. He has worked so hard and has been so dedicated to seeing our band succeed that we were so happy for him that it finally paid off! It was a bittersweet moment, because we were sad Nana and Papa couldn't be there to see their grandson win his first award as Drum Major. They were there in our hearts and we know she was saying many prayers for him throughout the day. Here are some photos from the event...

The last picture is of Zack and our previous drum major, Kevin (was drum major two years and is now in the Auburn band). He has been a huge influence in Zack's life and has really worked with Zack in the years he was directing our band to "prepare" him for Drum Major. He affectionately calls him "mini-me". We are so blessed to have Zack in a fantastic school that provides such a great Fine Arts program.

Before I finish this post, I wanted to give an update on my Dad. Hospice got him home on Thursday and mom said the very first night he fell out of the bed and she had to call 911. She even had a rail on one side, but has since had to get more. She said he is in pain and is not doing too well...very restless sleep, etc. All she can do is take it one day at a time and deal with whatever that day brings. Please continue to keep them in your prayers.

Lord, direct our paths...

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

We did not receive good news today on my Dad. The neurosurgeon said there was nothing they could do. Apparently the cancer has already caused my Dad's spine to fracture and he is already experiencing some numbness in his legs. The Doctor said there were too many masses of cancer. He told my Dad that he would not survive the cancer. My Dad, very matter-of-factly said, "well, then I'm outta here!"

The advice from the doctors were to take my Dad home. Make him comfortable for whatever time he has left. They are going to have a hospice nurse come to the house every day and also pain management. The Doctor said it could be weeks, or months, but not a year.

Words are failing me now. I keep thinking of all my Dad will miss out on not being here, but honestly, we're the ones missing out on the glory of heaven. Please pray that he will not suffer long. Pray for my mom, that God will give her strength and wisdom in the decisions she has to make in the next couple of weeks. Pray for our family in preparing for this loss. Thank you for your love and support.

Take Comfort...

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside the still waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (Psalm 23)

Thursday we received bad news regarding my father. He had gone for another MRI on Wednesday and the results were very discouraging. There was a large mass of cancer attached to his spinal cord. Because the cancer is in his lymphnodes, it is spreading like wildfire. The doctors told my mom that he is in serious danger of becoming paralyzed. The cancer has weakened his spinal column to the degree that any movement could cause it to snap and paralyze him. The choices are to have back surgery to remove the mass and put a cement-like material in to stablize the spine, or keep him sedated, comfortable and as pain free as possible for whatever time he has left. The doctors are not sure someone in his condition could endure the surgery without high risk. He is seeing the neurosurgeon on Tuesday afternoon to discuss the options and see if he is even capable of making it through surgery.

Thursday morning, when my mom got to the rehab center, she asked Dad how he was feeling. His typical answers are that he is in pain, not doing well, usually it's a complaint of one sort or another. This time it was different. She said his face was peaceful and he told her that things were good, he was headed in the right direction and it was all going to be okay. (She still has not shared with him the results of the test). We know the Lord is with Dad, but what an awesome and heart-wrenching moment to realize he had a very clear encounter with God and the Lord had given him peace. When I visualize the angels of heaven taking my Dad by the hands and ushering him into God's presence, the One he has served his entire life...with a glorified, perfect, pain-free and cancer-free body, how could I be so selfish to not want to let him go?

We were able to come in town for a quick visit this weekend. We arrived mid-afternoon on Saturday and went straight to the rehab center. They've got him pretty sedated and he was talking out of his head, drifting in and out of sleep. It was good to hold his hand and tell him how much I love him and have him open his eyes, respond and smile.

There are so many people praying for him, and so many that have been such an encouragement to my mom. Tommy, your parents have visited quite a few times and are always so kind to bring my mom some lunch, or anything she needs. She has told me numerous times how much it has meant to her.

Please continue to pray for both my mom and dad. Pray that the Doctors will have wisdom in their treatment plan and will give mom guidance on the next step. Thank you, my friends for your constant encouragement and support...you are all but just a phone call away and I love you guys! I will post an update as soon as I know anything.

Wealth or Health...which would you choose?

Yesterday I worked with a former boss of mine on an inventory. He owns a company that goes around to businesses, churches, houses, etc. and takes inventory (both photographic inventory and dictated inventory) of items for insurances purposes. He called me last week and said he had a large job that he needed my help on. Turns out the job was on the daughter's house of a major developer in town. House...did I say house? I meant mansion. This place was unbelievable. Tucked away on several acres behind an electronic fence on the east side of town are two of the most incredible homes I've ever seen. As we drove the long driveway with Greek and Italian influences scattered about (columns, statues, etc.), I was thinking to myself, "man, this is the life!" Then we approached an enormous stucco home that looked like an Italian palace and off in the distance was an even larger home (her father's) that looked like the Parthenon in Greece (pre-ruin, that is!). We unloaded our equipment and were greeted by a mid-40's petite blonde in her robe, very unassuming. If I had seen this woman out somewhere, I never would have imagined she's as wealthy as she is. The inside of this place was even more breathtaking than the outside. Seven bedrooms, ten bathrooms, formal dining, formal living, piano room, den, study, etc. It was impeccably decorated, large crystal chandeliers, tables, artwork, pieces of furniture that actually looked like they came from a palace. We did our walk-thru as she described pieces that were of extreme value that she wanted us to make sure we noted, then she was off to make crab cakes out of the fresh crab her father just brought back from the gulf.

I began working. I type in the items into this program on the laptop while my "boss" takes the photographs and then we photo-link them. I was texting things like a $12,000 dining room table that was recently purchased, $40,000 for an exquisite Italian console table, fine China worth $1200 a plate and she had a place setting for 10, silver, crystal, oils on canvas, the list went on and on. In my mind I was thinking, wow, what she paid for that would pay off this bill for us, or take care of the balance on Zack's car, etc. This woman is surrounded by money everywhere you look. Dripping with wealth beyond imagination. I kept thinking, what would one worry about if it weren't for money troubles? But you see, she recently found out she has colon cancer. Mid 40's, went to the doctor for what she thought were hemorroids and found out she had a large tumor in her colon and had to go through extensive surgery, radiation and today is her second treatment of chemotherapy. Here is a woman who seems to have everything anyone could ever want...but her health. She is facing 8 more chemotherapy treatments and she was describing to me how she felt after the first treatment.

A petite blonde, mid-40's, five children with the oldest being 21, living in the lap of luxury, but suffering with her health. I fell apart when I got home. Thanking God for my health, but also troubled with financial problems...living life paycheck-to-paycheck like so many of us do, and thinking just a handfull of her items could pay off everything we own. If I'm honest, I'd have to admit that I kept questioning throughout the day and last night what was worth more to me, being financially set or my health. That's a tough question when you're going through tough times.

But today is a new day. I awoke to a day of promises that my God will supply all my need according to His riches. I am not facing chemotherapy this morning. But I realize that my tendency to worry and my lack of faith can spread like a cancer that diminishes my joy in Christ. "Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord." Romans 12:11.

Tie a Knot and Hang On Mama!

My heart is so heavy this morning for my mom. I don't really know how much one person can endure. Day-after-day is a struggle. Where is the breaking point? I guess it's different for every person. My mom has been dealing with struggle going on 3 years now. Her endurance has amazed me, but I fear she's nearing her breaking point.

Yesterday was the day for my Dad's MRI. The doctors are wanting to see how much of the cancer has spread to his spinal cord. They told my mom to make sure he had his pain medicine before he came since he would be on the MRI table for about 2 hours. So, she gave it to him before they left the rehab center. By the time they arrived at the place for the MRI, it was a struggle getting him out of the car. Then, when they tried to get him onto the MRI table, three of them couldn't do it and he collapsed on the floor. Mom said he was like jello. She said it was impossible for them to lift him onto the table or even get him up into a chair. He was like dead weight. So, they called the "non-emergency" service to come and help. Get this...it took them an hour and 45 minutes to arrive. Dad was laying on the cold floor the entire time. They gave him blankets and pillows and tried to make him comfortable, but mom said he was miserable. The ambulance was able to take him back to the rehab center.

Mom is tired, frustrated, angry, upset, stressed, exhausted (does that about cover it mom?). She's not sure what they are going to do now. Please pray for her. It's a daunting task being a caregiver 24-7. Pray for the doctors, that they will have wisdom in treating my Dad. Pray for my Dad, that he will be free from pain. I don't like to see him suffering in the condition he's in. I'm not ready to let him go...but I don't like to see him in pain and completely bed-ridden.

Mom, I know each day probably feels like the end of your rope...tie a knot and hang on! Wish we could be there to help you more. You and Dad are in our thoughts and prayers. Much love...

Beta something?

Okay, I don't know much about computer programming and all that stuff, but Gary and I just switched our Blogs over to that new Beta something. It was on our profile page and said we could switch to that version.

I have always had TONS of problems uploading photos and since we switched, it is a SNAP! It uploads multiple photos in just a few seconds and shows you a thumbnail of which photos are being uploaded. Plus, it publishes your post 100 times faster...just one click on "publish" and it's done!

So there's my two cents worth! I'm a happy Blogger girl again and not so frustrated! Small catch, for some reason it won't let me leave comments on the blogs that are not Beta yet. Sorry chickies! I was going to comment on your 9-ll Blog, Dianne, and also on Julie's fire experience, but couldn't.

Look on your profile page and it should have a new link. Give it a try!

The silence was deafening...

As I think back on the events of September 11, 2001, the emotion is all too real, it seems as if it just happened yesterday. I've been watching the History Channel today and still cannot avoid that sick feeling in my stomach every time I see the Twin Towers fall. People say you will never forget where you were when it happened and I believe that to be true. I can remember so vividly in my mind watching the Today show while Gary was getting ready for work. I remember the feelings of disbelief when they were showing the first tower that had been hit, and then watching the horror unfold as that second plane came into the camera shot and blasted through the second tower. I called for Gary to come quickly and watch what had just happened. I remember feeling so uncertain and fearful as the morning progressed. The third plane that hit the Pentagon, the fourth plane that went down in Shanksville, PA. I was very upset and frightened. I mean, I didn't think anything was going to happen in our area, but I remember being afraid to leave the house and staying glued to the television with a box of tissue in hand. The fear was more of the country I knew and was raising my child in, was coming to an end. That day changed America. We no longer felt safe within our own borders. How could something like this happen? It seemed almost surreal. My thoughts and prayers are with the family members that lost loved ones on this day. So many lost their lives. Children, that boarded a plane with their teacher, full of excitement and anticipation for a cross-country field trip. Men and women just going to work, leaving behind families that they expected to see at dinnertime. Firefighters and police officers, that run into a building while others are running out...just doing their job, but with a resolve and courage so innate, they know no other way.

We went to New York in December of 2002. It has become one of our most favorite places to visit during the holidays and we've returned several times. I remember the first time we went, the hustle and bustle of activity which seemed to go around the clock. The bright lights of Times Square, the horns of taxi cab drivers, a flurry of constant activity and noise. Then I remember getting off the subway at Ground Zero, climbing the steps up to the street level and hearing absolutely nothing. It was silent. People were milling about looking at memorials, paying their respects, taking photos, but everyone was silent. It was an eery feeling, but a very emotional one as well. Even the trucks and the workers at the bottom of the "hole" seemed to be quietly at work. (I'm going to try to post some photos we took on our first visit, if it will let me). We also walked down the block to St. Paul's church, where the rescue workers would sleep and eat. The memorials there are beyond description. If you have the opportunity, I would recommend making the trip and visiting both of these sites. It renews the sense of pride and patriotism, along with a greater resolve to see those responsible brought to justice for this horrific terrorist act. I wonder about all those complaining about the war, and if they would have the same feelings if they lost loved ones on that day.

As we wake up tomorrow and continue with our busy schedules and responsibilities, let's not forget those that are still suffering from their loss. Let's don't wait until the next anniversary of 9-ll to breathe a prayer for the families left behind of all the victims and rescue workers. And remember to pray for our president, George W. Bush. God Bless America!

It's a long road, but well worth traveling

Over the Labor Day weekend we were finally able to go to Georgia and visit with family. I think I had prepared myself for the worst possible scenario (which is what I usually tend to do, being a "glass half empty" person) in preparing to see my Dad at the Rehab Center. What a sad, sad place. Elderly people sitting in wheelchairs out in the halls, sitting at the doors as if waiting for someone to come visit them, there was even a lady that held a plastic baby doll in her arms and rocked it continuously. My heart went out to all these people and I tried to smile and greet them, or just pat them on the arm.

I was pleased that my Dad recognized us and had that silly sense of humor about him still. His coloring was very pale and I could tell that he had lost weight and he often grimaced with pain, but there were some fun and silly moments too. I was sitting by his bed and told him that I believed I could finally beat him in arm wrestling, which he quickly whipped out his arm and put me down! Then another moment there was some Hawaiian music on the television and my Dad told Gary to get up and "shake it" and we all laughed...but, like the good son-in-law that Gary is, he got up and did a hula dance at the foot of Dad's bed!

It's a long recovery road, and I don't think my Dad will ever completely recover, but we are hoping he will regain his strength and appetite so that he will be able to go home. Last Wednesday he had an epidural block injection in his back to give him some relief from his two herniated discs. The doctor at the pain management clinic said that he really felt the majority of Dad's pain in his back was from the spread of the cancer. So, he is having another MRI on Thursday afternoon to see just how much the cancer has spread. They also are giving him an appetite stimulant which is enabling him to want to eat better.

On Monday afternoon, my sister, my niece, me, Zack and Gary went to Party City to get some decorations for his room. The place is so drab and depressing. We bought alot of multi-colored spiral stars that hang from the ceiling and multi-colored star garland and hung it around the room, along with some balloons. The place looks like a party now! He was drifting in and out from his pain medicine, but Mom said that later when he woke up, he was really surprised.

Please continue to pray for wisdom for the doctors that are treating him, relief from pain for my Dad, and an extra measure of strength for my Mom. We don't know what the future holds, but we know Who holds the future.

Finally, our trip would not have been complete without a visit with our friends! Sunday afternoon we ran into Julie, along with Bert and Renee W. (what a surprise and what a treat to see them!) at O'Charleys. Then Sunday evening, we met Dianne and Julie at La Frontera. We met at 7:30 p.m. and shut the place down, and then moved it to the parking lot and continued to talk until after 11:30 p.m.! We had such a great time and it was so much fun catching up and laughing and laughing. I'll post a picture or two...but won't post the silly one...which, the look on Dianne's face is priceless! Miss ya'll already, but it was so great to get to see you!

Overwhelmed...

What can I say? We just got home from a late dinner and I got on the computer to check out my friends and could hardly get through each blog for the tears streaming down my face! You guys are so special and each blog meant so much to me! It was like having my best girlfriends here with me to help me celebrate. On the way home, I was telling Gary how much I missed all my friends in Atlanta and how the girls used to get together for lunch or a girls night out to celebrate a special occasion...or just for no reason at all! Then, to come home and find a birthday card from all my blogger buddies (I was wondering why I had two cards from Dianne...but she always finds the greatest cards and sometimes will send more than one because she can't decide! I love it!) and then reading everyone's blog...just overwhelmed me! Thank you all so much...I love and miss you, my dear friends!

Today was a busy day working at the school---it was kinda nice to keep my mind off "the day". I had lunch with my friend, Jackie at our favorite place (Panera Bread) and she gave me a beautiful silver charm for my charm bracelet with a cross and the word "Faith" on it, knowing everything we've been going through with my Dad, and how I was feeling about my birthday, and some other things...it just meant so much to me and several times through lunch I had to fight back tears because of her kind and tender heart and gentle spirit. We have really bonded over the past few years (both of our kids are in marching band--her daughter is Color Guard captain) and we've been able to spend alot of time together and work closely together. What a special friend...Jackie, I love you and thank you for a great lunch today. Our visits together are never long enough. Then it was back to work, but I had the most beautiful purple roses waiting on me when I returned to the school from my sweet hubby!

Tonight we had a late dinner at Carraba's with Zack and his girlfriend, Sara Beth. It was alot of fun and we had a great time and didn't realize how late it was! See pictures below...woah, the flash was too close and too bright! Oh well...hides the wrinkles, maybe? All in all, it was a good day and I think I can settle in to this new "chapter" in my life. I'm loved, semi-healthy and have great friends and family...what more could a girl ask for?!