Ahoy, maties! Don't call the fire department... it's just me thighs!

Smell something burning? It's my thighs. No, this is not a post about how much I've been working out and using my brand new treadmill. It's about panty hose.

Ya'll, I hate panty hose. I don't know what idiot invented panty hose but I'd like to put them in a fat suit and make them put on supposed "Queen size" panty hose while breaking into such a sweat they get stuck just above the knee and refuse to go up any further! I try to limit my panty hose use, especially in the dreadfully hot summertime, but there are a few occasions that I try to look a little more presentable (such as a closing, wedding, etc.). By the time I twist, turn, roll back on the bed and get them up past my knees, it seems there is far less panty hose material left than will reach up around my waist, which usually leaves the crotch hovering somewhere around mid-thigh.

Now, the friction going on in my inner thigh area is dangerous enough without having highly flammable material rubbing back and forth causing sparks when I walk. Yes siree! I could start a fire faster than any Boy Scout around!

And to top it off, just for fun, in honor of recently seeing the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie, I decided to see what my "Pirate Name" would be...


Your Pirate Name Is...

Captain Firecrotch



Uh, yeah. Pretty fitting I would say.

14 sweet friends had to say...:

Musicaljean said...

Oh, Tracey, you are just hysterically funny!! Every Sunday morning I still try to figure out how to get my last leg into those things.

And just yesterday my daughter Miki and I were having this very conversation by phone. She has never been one to dress up, but recently had an occasion when she had to, even pantihose. She was describing getting them on and we were howling laughing as we commiserated together.

Now when I was a teenager, each leg was separate and there was no panty with the hose. Boy, do I sound old, or what?????

Penless Thoughts said...

Lord Fanny La Bouche
This is mine. Pray tell me why "Lord" when I marked female?

Your post had me almost rolling in the floor. I love a good laugh and you gave me one. Thanks!!
Susan

Lynne said...

I just love your name!

The MAN who invented pantyhose (had to be a man) also invented the mammogram machine!

MorningSong said...

You are so funny Captain Firecrotch!! I love your sense of humor!!

violetlady said...

I totally appreciate this post. Have you tried thigh-highs? They are great, but you can also get thigh burns from the elastic.

Jill@Who Could Ask for Anything More said...

This is hysterical. Thank goodness we live in the South where pantyhose are optional most of the time.

PS- I revealed my book... come over and see!

Dianne said...

That's hilarious...I can't really even remember the last time I wore hose...and I'm GLAD!

NspiredByFaith said...

That is just stinkin hilarious! I can totally relate! Not so much the hose anymore, but just standing in the doorway of my closet thinking that maybe this time it will fit, then being all hot and mad when I discover that the baby weight didn't magically disappear overnight!

By the way..I did the pirate thing, come check it out on me blog!

Tonja said...

Hi Tracey,
I went and checked my pirate name, but I think it made a mistake....the name..."Evil Ladyfingers"....wouldn't that be my DENTIST!!??!!

I decided when I turned 50 that I was through with pantyhose and high heels. Why torture myself anymore? Pantyhose are of the devil!

sandi @ the whistlestop cafe said...

Hmmm~
I am Black Busty Bertha.

Can't wait to tell my husband! I may have to put on some of those thigh high things when I do.

justabeachkat said...

I haven't worn pantyhose or really any hose in so long I can't remember, but boy do I remember trying to get into a pair! It's enough to make you want to scream!!!

Funny post though.

Musicaljean said...

My pirate name was the same as your too, except it had Leuitenant (spelling?) instead of Captain in front of it. They must be running out of names!

Shelly said...

Cracking up!!!! You are hysterical! And I agree. I end up waddlin' like a penguin to get those things up anywhere past the knees! lol

Kim said...

You make me laugh but, try Lane Bryant's pantyhose. They are made of a cotton stretch material - you can even wash them in the washing machine and wear them a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time - they are my favorite. :) Thanks for sharing - I enjoy your posts.

 
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