Mine says "panic"

I love those Staples commercials where they show someone trying to do something the hard way and then they show an "easy" button, which implies your experience with Staples. Right now I wish I had an "easy" button. What I'm feeling would be more appropriately described as the panic button!

So much has been going on these past few weeks since graduation. Some day when I don't feel so overwhelmed, I'll post pictures and details. Right now, I'm less than 2 days away from taking Zack to college and the very thought takes my breath away.

I don't know how to prepare for it. We've purchased things for his dorm room, bought supplies in the form of laundry stuff, toiletries, medicines for a make-shift "First Aid" kit, etc., but I still feel that inner panic that I'm forgetting something vital to his very existence---which interpreted would be the level of comfort in which he has been living these past 17 years.

Being his mom describes who I am.

Hello, who are you and what do you do?

I'm Zack's mom, his caregiver, his provider, his protector, his safety net. What I'm feeling right now can best be described as watching him climb up a rope ladder and stepping out on the high wire for the first time with no safety net. There are butterflies in my stomach, a sense of panic that almost takes my breath and the fear and uncertainty of if he's going to make it.

[Sidenote: have I ever mentioned that I battle gripping fear? I am such a control freak and feel like if I can just keep a handle on things, keep control of things, then I can control the fear. When I feel things are beyond my control, I really struggle with overwhelming fear. But holy cow! that's a discussion for another day---laying on a sofa with a therapist!] Edited to add: I would be on the sofa...the therapist would be in a chair!!

As I sit here, a day and a half before heading to FL, I can't decide what to do next. I can't think of simple words. I can't make lists and plan and organize, which I usually do so well. I can't steady this uneasy feeling. I can't imagine continuing to function in my household without my sweet child here every day. So for now, I will paste on the smile and share in his excitement, but rest assured the ride home won't be fun.

12 sweet friends had to say...:

Jennifer said...

Awwww, sweet Tracey. You have raised Zach to be an awesome warrior for God. God has given Zach to you....and you have done a fantastic job raising him in the love and admonition of the Lord. He is a strong man. He belongs to the Lord and the Lord has some very special things planned for him.

God is bigger than your panic. He's bigger than your fear. And He is going to take really good care of Zach.

And you.

Rest in these verses, my friend.

I Peter 5:7, Proverbs 3:5,6,
II Corinthians 12:9,10, Philippians 4:13

justabeachkat said...

Well, I can't really say it any better than Jennifer did in the comment above me. I ditto her wise words.

This brings back memories of when we took Bree to college. I can still remember those feelings so well. All the way there, I'm thinking - what words of wisdom can I leave her with? There was so many many things I wanted to say. I practiced them in my head. Gosh, just how long would it take to say it all? But when the time came to say goodbye, there was a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes and I couldn't say a single word. I just hoped she would see my love for her in my eyes. And then her Daddy, my sweet George, looked into her eyes and said it all in just three words "Make Good Choices". That covered it all...everything I wanted to say.

Zach will be okay. You and Gary will be okay. I promise.

Hugs sweet friend!

Musicaljean said...

I think that your feelings are that much more because he is your only one. It's not like you have a bunch of other ones at home to keep up with. My heart aches for you.

Actually, I really do remember the drive home after we left Lisa at college. I cried a lot, but I also wrote a letter saying all those things I couldn't put into words any other way. I sent it to her and I actually still have a copy of it.

Zach really will be okay. I'll be praying for you, Tracey.

nancygrayce said...

Where in Florida is he going to school. He'll be fine....our last one is 2 years away from graduating. You'll be fine too! I Promise!

Profbaugh said...

Oh Tracey,

I know that feeling!! When my oldest left for college I tried to "manage" everything. I thought if I could control the process, my fear would be kept at bay. God had another plan, which wasn't so pleasant. I found out my best friend from high school had passed away and her memorial was the same day that my son had to leave for college. Because of the tragic death, I let my husband take my son to college while I attended and spoke at her memorial. Oh my! Talk about giving up control! It's only an illusion that we have control anyway.

My advice, turn to God. Let Him be e your EASY button!

Much love,

Sandi @the WhistleStop Cafe said...

First we give them roots~ then we give them wings.
That is Mom's job.

You can do it! He will do it. Y'all will be ok.

'The voice of experience'

Deedra said...

You may have already left for FL, but I'm having to struggle with the unknown and doubt and fear at this moment and last night God spoke to me through a song. Sooooo clearly.

"Be still. I am God" (Kirk Franklin & Tobymac)

All I have to do is be still, He is in control anyway. I already know this, as I'm sure you do, but I just needed to be reminded at that moment. I hope to blog about it in a day or so...maybe. In the meantime, I'll be remembering you!

Dianne said...

Thinking of you Tracey...If you need to chat, give me a call...I never have any luck reaching you on the phone, but I'm here if you need me! :-)

Tonja said...

Tracey, I feel so sad that you are so torn. Mine have always driven themselves off to school, so it has always been just saying 'good=bye' here at home. It was hard seeing them drive out the drive way and know they were starting on a new journey.

But that is exactly what it is, you know...their journey. They are only ours to be totaly responsible for for a little while. And then, if we do our jobs well, they are ready, willing and eager to take on the rest of the world. How sad it would be if he didn't want to discover what lies ahead. You have been blessed by God, who gave you this wonderful boy to nurture for these years. He knew that only YOU could give him what he needed to become a man that He could use. How awesome to think that He chose you to mother this boy. And now it is time for the next part of the journey for him..and you, too. God, who has guarded and watched over him through out his life, certainly won't stop now. He must take this next step or he can not continue to grow and to become the man he should be.
God will also fill the void in your heart. It will be a little empty for a while, but other things will come along that you will now have the chance to do. And speaking from experience, boys ALWAYS need their MAMAS! He will call and ask your advice, and he will love to come home to your waiting hugs, but remember, it is natural for him to begin pulling away some. He has to do this...but, you watch...he'll come to you to be sure he is 'doing it right!" My friend, rest easy...all is well. He is in good hands..the Father's hands...the safest place to be!

God Bless You!

Jill@Who Could Ask for Anything More said...

I am so far behind on blog reading that the day you've taken him to college has passed. How are you, sweet friend? I can't even imagine how hard it was - as still is. Thinking of you and sending a prayer your way! And you may get a chuckle from knowing I was the third of three my mom sent off to college and she literally dropped me at the curb of my dorm and off she went. My brother had brought the things for my room down a week earlier when he moved in (he was a senior at the same college when I started). I think she was so glad to finally have an empty nest that she didn't know what to do with herself! And I also think she thought my big brother would watch over me and he had no time for little sis. Too much socializing to do! I survived, even without much support from home. I just know Zach will thrive. He's got a great team in you and Gary behind him.

Musicaljean said...

Tracey, are you okay?? I keep checking.

Musicaljean said...

In fact, I'm starting to worry.

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