Today would have been your 80th birthday. I've thought about you all day. We would have had the biggest party for you today, but I know you've been celebrating since you arrived in heaven.
I wouldn't wish you back. I know you are free from pain, free from cancer, and you are in the presence of our Lord. But I miss you--especially on days like today. I've been working today, and have been pretty busy, but you've been on my mind. I've had to swallow hard a few times today and kept pushing back down the sad feelings that were creeping up in my heart, but now I can't supress it any longer. I've been looking at pictures of you and the tears continue to puddle, even now as I type this.
It's so weird, Dad. In some ways it feels like you've been gone a long time...I can't believe it's only been a little over a year...but in other ways, it seems like it was just yesterday I heard you laugh and call me "sweety heart". I dream about you so much. Sometimes they're so real, that when I wake up, it's almost as if I've been talking with you and it takes me a moment to realize it was just a dream.
So much has happened in the past year---it seems like a lifetime of things and you weren't there with us for any of them. If I think on it too long, the sadness is overwhelming, so I shut it out. As hard as it has been for me, I think it's been harder on Terri. She and Taylor both miss you more than words can express. You know how she is, Dad. She beats herself up. She is so much like you---a "tough as nails" exterior, but a heart of gold. We all wish we would have spent more time with you and told you we loved you more often.
I remember as a teenager, in the mornings you would come downstairs to the kitchen, pat me on the head or brush your hand up and down on my cheek, and I would pull away. I'm so sorry Dad. I was a stupid teenager. What I wouldn't give to feel your soft hands again. I loved you so much but didn't show it, and I knew you loved me. I have never doubted your unconditional love for me. As much as I probably hurt you in my teenage years, you loved me through it and held on as tight as you could. Thank you Dad, for not letting go.
I hope you know how much I loved you and still love and miss you. We all miss you terribly. There's a void, the empty place at the holiday table and the emptiness in our hearts---we all feel it at each birthday celebration or holiday gathering. Things just aren't the same. You always provided the comic relief...whether you meant to or not!
I wonder if you are keeping up with what each of us are doing. Sometimes I wish I could ask you if I'm making the right decisions or what something in the Bible means, or where is that verse...etc. I know it may sound silly, but sometimes when I pray, I ask the Lord to tell you how much I love and miss you. I wonder if you know that.
I thought I would post some pictures of what we've been doing, as well as some of my favorites from when you were still with us.
Remember this? This was our first Thanksgiving together after Gary and I got married. Look how young we all look!
This is one of my most favorite pictures! I can't believe you agreed to pose for a Christmas picture with Zack and Draven in your boxers! You were a good sport, Dad!
This is another cherished photo. I think this was the last time our entire family was all together at the same time and able to pose for a family photo (summer 2005).
This was Zack's 16th birthday (July 1st), just a few months before you went to be with the Lord. It seems like you declined so quickly. I think July was the last time you were able to get up and come eat dinner and socialize.
I love how you are cracking up---and look at Zack...he was laughing so hard, his eyes were all teary---just like you used to do!
This was just two weeks before you passed away and the last time all four of us kids were together with you.
This was the worst day of my life. I haven't been back to Mom's church since your funeral. I'm not sure I could. Such overwhelming, indescribable grief.
Thanksgiving, just a few short weeks had passed, but it seemed like time was standing still. Everything was a blur that Thanksgiving. This is evidence that we had a turkey...but I don't remember much else. I know you would have given Gary a hard time about his shirt.
Christmas was even harder. We all were still numb. You know how mom takes a picture each Christmas of the kids and puts it in that big frame...look at their little eyes. All we did was cry--we missed you so much--no one sat in your chair.
This was downtown at Atlantic Station. Honestly, I can't remember if this was during the Thanksgiving holidays or Christmas...but look at Zack in your Yankees jacket! And look at Mom--her smile has not been the same since you've been gone. It's so different---there's even something missing in her eyes.
You missed Draven's first "double digit" birthday (January 6), he turned 10. You would have laughed and teased him about how they mispelled his name on his cookie cake. They put "Craven"!
We took Mom to "Fire of Brazil" for what would have been your 50th wedding anniversary. We all typed up memory cards and gave her a memory box full of our memories of you. It was rough---especially for mom.
Here's Taylor at one of her many volleyball tournaments. She's on a traveling team and she's quite the player, just like her mom! Thumper, Jr.! I know you would have been hollering "let's go tay-tay!"
Here is Zack's very last high school performance as Drum Major. He loved every minute of it and was so passionate about it---putting his whole heart and soul into each performance. You taught him that passion, drive and determination.
...not to mention...INTENSITY!
Mom and Taylor got to come see his last performance. Taylor actually took the pictures of Zack from the field. She has quite the eye for photography. Do you see how Mom's smile has changed?
This is the most recent photo of Zack. This was taken exactly one year after you passed away. I couldn't help but think of you all that day, remembering how much you kept asking mom to put in the video of "that boy" (Zack conducting)---and here he was, one year later, making one of the most important decisions of his life. The three of us had such peace and clarity that day. We know the Lord was looking out for us in a very special way, and I'd like to think you were too.
In closing, I just want you to know that we are doing our best to live happy, healthy, fulfilled lives. You taught each one of us, from your kids to your grandkids and your son and daughter in-laws. You trained us up, Dad...and even though we may stray a bit from the path, we will never depart from it.
I love you. I miss you, and I look forward with great anticipation our reunion in heaven one day.
Your brown-eyed girl,
Tracey
