I'm sorry that I'm not there yet. I heard the word "rejoice" used so much this past week. I don't think I can stand it anymore. I apologize in advance for the raw and brutal honesty that I cannot contain. I know people mean well and I certainly don't hold it against any of them. Sometimes, if you don't know what to say, it's better to say nothing, or a simple "I'm sorry".

I heard so many people say "rejoice that your father is in heaven with the Lord"... "rejoice that he no longer is in pain and is with his Savior"......rejoice. Do you know what that word means? Webster's describes it this way...

To be glad
To give joy
To feel joy or great delight

Rejoice, you say. My heart could not be further from a joyful feeling. My heart aches and is filled with an emptiness that I have never experienced before. I know all the "preachy, church answers" and I don't want to hear them anymore. I know my Dad is in heaven with the Lord and I would not wish him back here to be in pain for anything. But I miss him. I miss the times that we had together, the fun family vacations, the silly things he did, I miss his voice, I miss his soft hands, I miss looking into his eyes. I miss the times that I could have had with him in the future. I'm already missing the last Christmas that I thought we were going to share together this year. My thoughts are consumed with missing my Dad.

I'm angry that I wasn't there when he died. The Lord knew I wanted to be there and yet He chose to take him quickly. I don't know why...I know God has a reason...but I can't imagine it. People say it gets easier with time. Right now, all I know is that it hurts, and it hurts worse than I ever could have imagined it would.

Like mom said last night, "God's grace is sufficient, but it's certainly not an anesthetic."

1 sweet friends had to say...:

Di-dan said...

Your mom is right. She is a wise woman.

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